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Posts Tagged ‘faith’

I have a hard time letting go.

I needed to write that down. Confess it. I like to think I welcome change and growth in my friends, family, the world and in myself, but it’s not necessarily true.  I cling to my past like a life preserver in knee-deep water. All those thoughts, all those feelings…sometimes they are just excuses for me keep clinging, pretending like I’m drowning, even though I’ve swam all the way from the deep end to the shallow.

Throughout my first two years of college, many issues plagued me. Self confidence, body image, my faith, academics, anxiety/depression, my big personality, my likability, etc, et all, the list could go on for miles. There has been a lot of progress made in many of these areas, and a few have even proven to be healed over, sealed with new, pink skin. Some have been given a band-aid that has been ripped off, the scabbed picked, just to discover the wound was just as sour and painful as ever.

But I look at myself in the mirror and there’s no pain in my heart, no laments to God in the middle of the night because I was scared and shaking, no hiding from people, no lying about when I’m not okay.
Today is Easter Sunday and He is risen. Why am I refusing to rise out of the dirt? He took it all for my right to turn my back on the old and run without fear into the new and better. Focus on the new. New life. New covenant. New legs to swim.

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Just when I thought spring would never come, God delivers a gorgeous day. I even got up to go to church today.

They sang this song that has the line take the coal/cleanse my lips/here I am. Every time I hear it the image is so stark and gorgeous. It’s magical and real. Words can’t explain my attachment to the passage that the line references. The first time I heard it I was 8 years old. We did something with in Sunday school. We colored bright orange and read coals. I pressed my lips to the waxy crayon. Ever since, my spiritual life has been connected to to that verse in these winding, jig-saw ways. When they sang that song in church today, I couldn’t even sing. I just cried these unrecognizable tears. I wasn’t sad, but just extremely humbled.

Isaiah 6:5-8

“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.”

Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.”

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

The image of burning hot coal pressing against my lips. The power of being burnt clean. It’s all too much for me to handle sometimes. There’s a humility involved that resonates with me. It’s a call to be made lovely again.

Maybe it’s just a security blanket for me to believe that all the times I’ve been burned there’s some sort of plan behind it. And if it is (though I don’t believe that), so what? It’s not hurting anyone, and it’s certainly not hurting me. I feel so lucky to have been as close to the Lord as I have been at points in my life. I feel like I’m going back to that, though it’s a snail’s pace.

Today, I’m just really happy that I’m a Christian. I just wanted to write it down.

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