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Posts Tagged ‘life’

Every year, for the past 3 years, I have made a yearly playlist that goes from June to June. I pick June just because, for me at least, has been the end of an era. School’s out, summer’s begun and life takes a turn for the bright and sunny. I just put songs on the list that I feel like reflect the time I’m going through in my life. So here it is, all 35 songs. Ranging from the uber indie to pop to classic rock, here is my life for the past 12 months in sonic form.

ps- a few mp3s are linked in here. I’m not sure if they are still working, since they are time-sensitive upload links. If they aren’t, I’ll reup them if you would like.

1.You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away by The Beatles; lyics
How can I even try/I can never win/Hearing them, seeing them/In the state I’m in

2.Four Winds by Bright Eyes; youtube link
And it’s the Sum of Man/slouching towards Bethlehem/A heart just can’t contain/ all of that empty space/It breaks. It breaks. It breaks

3.26-Hour Day by Jay Brannan; lyrics, youtube link
Is this democracy or a monarchy/What do we hold elections for/You write your personal agenda on a post-it note/And leave the constitution lying on the bathroom floor

4.Brandy Alexander by Fiest; lyrics
Though you know what I love most of him/I’m walking on needles and pins/My addiction to the worst of him/The low moon helps me sing

5.My Heart by Paramore; lyrics
I am finding out that maybe I was wrong/That I’ve fallen down and I can’t do this alone/
Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

6.Secret Heart by Fiest, covering Ron Sexsmith; youtube link yousendit link to mp3 (highly recommended!!!)
secret heart/why so sacred/why so serious?

7.Ain’t Nobody’s Business If I Do by Billie Holiday; lyrics, youtube link
If I go to church on Sunday/Then cabaret all day Monday/Ain’t nobody’s business if I do

8.I’m So Tired by The Beatles; lyrics
You’d say I’m putting you on/But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm/You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain/You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane/You know I’d give you everything I’ve got/for a little peace of mind

9.That’s What You Get by Paramore; lyrics
I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you’re not here/’Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here/I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn/Oh why, all the possibilities I’m sure you’ve heard

10.Campus by Vampire Weekend; lyrics
Then I see you/You’re walking cross the campus/Cruel professors/Studying romances/How am I supposed to pretend/I never want to see you again?/How am I supposed to pretend/I never want to see you again?

11.It’s Tough to Have a Crush When the Boy Doesn’t Like You Back by OK Go; lyrics
Well it’s tough to have a crush/Whoever knew such hullabaloo/Well it’s tough to have a crush/When it only leaves you blue

12.Running With Scissors by Ben Lee; lyrics
well i can feel you in my bones/these are the symptoms that are shown/its always every now and then/life is unusual again

13.I Used to Think by Cars Can Be Blue; , yousendit link (it’s so twee and angry at the same time!)
my attention only holds four seconds/don’t hold my hand/if we decided to be more than friends/things would really turn to shit

14.Cold Song by Clare Burson; her myspace link
I’m too tired to go outside/wish I could just could stay in and wait for the spring time to come/ooh the spring to come/to come oh, the springtime to come

15.Diamonds and Gold by Langhorne Slim; youtube link
toss your misery out the door/what are you waiting for/you gotta learn to get a little happy along the way/it’s alright to smile/it’s alright to get a little happy along the way

16.Happy Kid by Nada Surf; lyrics
Got ink all over my right hand/Getting crushes with no chance to grow/It’s like i’ll never ever land

17.Winter Song by Chairs in the Arno; not much due to extreme indieness yousendit link to mp3
let’s go play hide and seek/let’s blow off work next week/having fun didn’t seem this hard/when I was 10 years old

18.Add Your Light to Mine by Lucky Soul; lyrics
I’ve seen you dancing like no one was looking/Beneath the fullest moon/Oh some day soon/I’m gonna find all the things I’ve been yearning for

19.Afraid by Patrick Wolf, covering Nico; lyrics
Have someone else’s will as your own/You are beautiful and you are alone

20.Never Let This Go by Paramore; lyrics
One day you’ll get sick of/saying that everything’s alright/And by then I’m sure I’ll be pretending/Just like I am tonight

21.I Do What I’m Told by Madeline; lyrics
i do what i’m told/and i’m getting aggravated/my spine has been sold/to a boy well, we traded/courage for the promise that we’ll/never be so honest

22.As Much As You Lead by Lex Land; not much due to extreme indieness, link to myspace
at least when I’m sleeping I can dream of you/but the taste is so foul when I ask you if you’ll finally stay/because as much as you lead/you know I will follow

23.Looks Like We Haven’t Learned a Thing by The Walkup; myspace
looks like we haven’t learned a thing/why don’t you look around/see that there’s no one laughing now/won’t you take a bow

24.Pressure by Paramore; lyrics, youtube link
And there’s nothing else to show/For all of the days that we spent/Carried away from home/Some things I’ll never know/And I had to let them go/I’m sitting all alone feeling empty

25.Bloody Motherfuckin’ Asshole by Martha Wainwright; lyrics
I will not pretend/I will not put on a smile/I will not say I’m all right for you/When all I wanted was to be good/To do everything in truth/To do everything in truth

26.Every Little Bit by Patty Griffin; lyrics
I stay unseen by the light/I stay untold by the truth/I’m sold by a lie/By this I am able in all of my travels/To make these memories quit/But tonight I clearly recall every little bit

27.Never So Strange by Morning State; myspace
call me on the phone/call me very late in the evening/oh oh oh/I never thought we’d be so strange/I never thought we end up this way/and what did you expect to see/a difference inside of me?

28.Viva La Vida by Coldplay; lyrics, youtube link
For some reason I can’t explain/I know Saint Peter will call my name/Never an honest word/But that was when I ruled the world

29.Shine On by The Kooks; lyrics
Shine, shine, shine on/Yes Wont you shine, shine on/Because your not done

30.Be Good or Be Gone by Fionn Regan; lyrics, youtube link (highly recommended, wonderful video!)
The range is staggering/Movement and timing/Frame by frame/It did unfold

31.Changes by David Bowie; lyrics, youtube link
I still don’t know what I was waiting for/And my time was running wild/A million dead-end streets/Every time I thought I’d got it made/It seemed the taste was not so sweet/So I turned myself to face me/But I’ve never caught a glimpse/Of how the others must see the faker/I’m much too fast to take that test

note: some songs may appear “early” in the year, perhaps even before the album they are on was released. I went back and put songs that informed that time of my life once I heard then. This is true for one of the Fiest songs.

Boy, I was sad a lot this year, well more frustrated, I guess. Yep, sounds about right for being 20/21.

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I have a hard time letting go.

I needed to write that down. Confess it. I like to think I welcome change and growth in my friends, family, the world and in myself, but it’s not necessarily true.  I cling to my past like a life preserver in knee-deep water. All those thoughts, all those feelings…sometimes they are just excuses for me keep clinging, pretending like I’m drowning, even though I’ve swam all the way from the deep end to the shallow.

Throughout my first two years of college, many issues plagued me. Self confidence, body image, my faith, academics, anxiety/depression, my big personality, my likability, etc, et all, the list could go on for miles. There has been a lot of progress made in many of these areas, and a few have even proven to be healed over, sealed with new, pink skin. Some have been given a band-aid that has been ripped off, the scabbed picked, just to discover the wound was just as sour and painful as ever.

But I look at myself in the mirror and there’s no pain in my heart, no laments to God in the middle of the night because I was scared and shaking, no hiding from people, no lying about when I’m not okay.
Today is Easter Sunday and He is risen. Why am I refusing to rise out of the dirt? He took it all for my right to turn my back on the old and run without fear into the new and better. Focus on the new. New life. New covenant. New legs to swim.

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shoo!

this isn’t me really saying “SOMEONE PLEASE LOVE ME!”
what I am saying is…
if my true love is out there,
I’d really like it
if perhaps, maybe, they
please don’t come right now.
because I have a feeling I’d resent them
for being so lovely.
besides,
my lips are chapped
and not primed for makeoutage.
also,
I think valentines day is kind of a joke.
I try to express my love to my friends and family
everyday
through my actions
(I know I fall short a lot)
why have only one day where
we buy meaningless (although tasty) things
that are supposed to
REPRESENT our love?
why can’t we ACTUALLY love?
it’s distressing to me
that on valentine’s day,
the “most romantic” day of the year,
we treat love like
it is our representative government.
we send in other people to be our voice.
we send flowers and chocolates and
pre-written cards
instead of our real love,
however that is manifested.
I suppose it’s better than nothing.
I’ll be honest;
I really like receiving valentine’s
day surprises.
some people don’t love through actions
everyday.
and that’s okay.
valentine’s day provides them a space
so they can be
a romantic, if they want to be.
I’m trying to learn
that I’m emotionally exceptional
that most everyone isn’t like me
and that’s okay.
that I’m just a little
too sensitive.
and that I’m
kind of a flake
and I’m kind of
selfish.
so,
that being said,
I still hope that my
true love stays away
for awhile
because I want to be
the best
I can for them.
and if I become
more
and more
like Jesus
everyday…
then whenever I meet them,
finally,
I will be that much
closer
to being better.
I will wait for you.
that wasn’t a poem, I just like the way
the text is centered under the picture
and playing with line breaks in prose
is really kinda fun when you can’t sleep

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wondering

One of my greatest flaws is caring too much what other people think of me, especially friends. Specifically, I have a few friends have a great deal of sway in my life, regardless of rhyme, reason or how emotionally healthy it is (or isn’t). One of said friends broke off communication with me this spring in regards to my personal and emotional issues. I can’t say I blame them, honestly. Sometimes I’m a writhing mass of intense and strange feelings that I can’t manage, let alone someone else. I can’t say I was particularly happy about. In fact, I was down right crushed. To be honest, I still am, somewhat.

She finds fault in how I need words of affirmation. I as much as I try to cope with this, it’s impossible for me. I need something, anything to tell me someone has some sort of affection for me in return. Often, I feel like I give a great deal to some my friendships and receive little back. Could it be too much to ask for someone to say something positive to assure me that I am wanted? Or is that only feeding my need for acceptance from others?
I have this same problem with my relationship with God. I feel like He’s silent far more than He is a roll of thunder. I know this means I need to readjust my antenna, that God is broadcasting on a frequency that I am not tuned into. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to do that. I’m probably too busy waiting for a friend to assure me that I have worth to them.

God speaks in so many different ways to us, but most commonly, I always pick up the frequencies found in the Bible and in nature. However, in winter, I rarely find God’s majesty and love in muddy grass, gray clouds and short days. So I only have the Bible to search for God’s words of affirmation to me. Even now, as I use convenient websites to help me locate a verse that pertains to my situation, I can find nothing.

It is my prayer everyday that God will show me, and the entire world, how much he loves us. I miss Him when I can’t hear it.

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